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Have Cheetah,Will View #42 – “Assault Girls” (2009)

It’s 7:26 am

Recently my buddy Romey and I made a trip to Disc Replay in Livonia. I was looking for seasons of a few shows and Romey hit their bargain bin. While I did find a couple of items,Romey crushed it and found a lot of great titles for 1.11 apiece and Disc Replay also had a “Buy 5,Get 2 Free” deal in place.
I made a quick sweep because their bargain bin is pretty nifty and often has hidden gems. I saw “Assault Girls” and since I had never heard of it,I picked it and scanned it. Once I saw Rinko Kikuchi‘s name on the back,I picked it up. Rinko starred in one of my favorite films,”Pacific Rim” as Mako Mori and as the Witch in “47 Ronin”.

So last we watched “Assault Girls”. The only assaulted were our eyes. This was a complete mess and is simply the WORST film the cheetah and I have reviewed here.

 

This movie suffers from everything,no script, bad effects,absolutely ZERO pacing and the worst sin of all? Wasting Rinko Kikuchi. What is shocking is who directed this….a living legend in the anime/manga worlds,Mamoru Oshii,the man behind the famous Ghost In the Shell movie based on the manga.

ag2
The story is so basic….in the future,mankind can play in a huge virtual reality game. Different avatars fight huge creatures to advance to a new level. A group of 4 players have hit a barrier and cannot advance. Each player has a certain skill set and if they can combine them long enough to beat the Madora (the boss kaiju) they will move on.
Grounds for an exciting movie,right? Considering the movie’s run time is only 70 minutes,one would think “Assault Girls” would hit the ground running…except it takes almost 22 MINUTES to introduce all four players and the time isn’t wasted on dialogue!!
Its wasted on a brief battle and an huge ball that acts like a field judge that keeps repeating that the four players need to team up.

Rinko
And then spends the next 38 minutes just doing NOTHING. The cheetah fell asleep about halfway through despite my telling him how Rinko was going to save this mess.
Alas,it was not meant to be…..”Assault Girls” was total waste of time. I was disappointed because while I have not watched “Ghost in a Shell”,I have caught a recent effort the Oshii directed, “Garm Wars: The Last Druid“,a 2014 film that started strong but turned into a Gary Gygax mess in the final act. Oshii has done a lot in his career but at 66,he has definitely lost a step in his game.
The one bright highlight was the brilliant costumes created by Dango Takeda but its not nearly enough to rescue this movie.

 

The cheetah and I both give this a huge paw/thumbs down.
 

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