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18 May 17

 It’s 1:23 am

It’s very warm here this morning. I hear a light drizzle outside my window in the den.
Paladin is curled up in his spot on the bed. He has slept quite a bit today,he came down for treats but went right back up afterwards. He is in good spirits but I think the heat wears on him a bit.
I am making my way through this week one moment at a time. Trying to stay busy and keep my brain occupied. It’s not easy,my insomnia is so bad this week and I’m restless.
Ever walk and still feel like your’re going nowhere? Its a weird feeling…I know that tomorrow will mark Lori’s last day and that Saturday morning will mark the 4th year since she has left.
I thought I would express some deep message or meaning about how I feel but the fact is I feel just as empty and hollow now as I did then. Cancer does this to you. Cancer robs you of so much. Despite brave words and actions,at the end of the day,you’re sleeping alone,your waking up alone and the life you had is gone.
Below are the last two entries I posted before my wife died of uterine cancer.

 

Its 1:48 am
17 May 13
Living through the longest 48 hours of my life….Lori is getting closer to leaving now. She fought the most valiant fight for the past 3 years and we both can see the finish line now. They say after a while most caregivers go from asking for a miracle to asking for release and peace to their loved one. I’m at the point now..I just want her to go home to heaven now.
Yesterday saw us battle the fistula,today she developed diarrhea out of nowhere,totally perplexed because she hasn’t eaten anything for a while now.
I have been on my feet for about 40 of the past 48 hours cleaning her and changing the bed sheets with some assistance from hospice and Marlene (Crash’s mom) who I had to call to help me set up the gravity drip I.V.
I’m heading to bed now….

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13 thoughts on “18 May 17

  1. Tears. You are so brave for sharing everything so candidly. The reality is difficult, but for those who have been caregivers it’s so helpful to read someone else who has been there to. Someone who has missed a moment they might regret, or someone who feels guilt for a aspect of care where they feel they could have done more. We are only as human and mortal as our loved ones whose lights are fading just a tad bit quicker than our owns. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I can’t imagine documenting all these events and all these feelings because to go through them again over and over and over again would just tear me apart. I admire you so much for putting things into words because you are probably helping someone get through a very similar experience. Thanks for always being so transparent and vulnerable and open about what you went through. I’m sure it’s not easy to put this out there. Sending you so much love ❤

    Liked by 1 person

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