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18 May 17

 It’s 1:23 am

It’s very warm here this morning. I hear a light drizzle outside my window in the den.
Paladin is curled up in his spot on the bed. He has slept quite a bit today,he came down for treats but went right back up afterwards. He is in good spirits but I think the heat wears on him a bit.
I am making my way through this week one moment at a time. Trying to stay busy and keep my brain occupied. It’s not easy,my insomnia is so bad this week and I’m restless.
Ever walk and still feel like your’re going nowhere? Its a weird feeling…I know that tomorrow will mark Lori’s last day and that Saturday morning will mark the 4th year since she has left.
I thought I would express some deep message or meaning about how I feel but the fact is I feel just as empty and hollow now as I did then. Cancer does this to you. Cancer robs you of so much. Despite brave words and actions,at the end of the day,you’re sleeping alone,your waking up alone and the life you had is gone.
Below are the last two entries I posted before my wife died of uterine cancer.

 

Its 1:48 am
17 May 13
Living through the longest 48 hours of my life….Lori is getting closer to leaving now. She fought the most valiant fight for the past 3 years and we both can see the finish line now. They say after a while most caregivers go from asking for a miracle to asking for release and peace to their loved one. I’m at the point now..I just want her to go home to heaven now.
Yesterday saw us battle the fistula,today she developed diarrhea out of nowhere,totally perplexed because she hasn’t eaten anything for a while now.
I have been on my feet for about 40 of the past 48 hours cleaning her and changing the bed sheets with some assistance from hospice and Marlene (Crash’s mom) who I had to call to help me set up the gravity drip I.V.
I’m heading to bed now….

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