Have Cheetah,Will View #91 – “American Horror House” (2012)

 

It’s October so we’re doing our part in watching a few low budget horror films I have managed to find along my media hunting. After a completely barren wasteland at my local Family Video stores the past two months,I took a flier and decided to drop and see if they actually had any titles for sale. I mean if there is one thing Family Video is known for,its that they carry a boatload of low budget horror titles.
Generally I bypass 99% of these because they are all so played out with tired plots (just reading the backs of them is tiresome) of either zombies,vampires,cabin in the woods,devil possession…blah,blah,blah.
I pick some titles because of the cast but sometimes as regular readers know,that doesn’t always much,two of the worst films we watched (one which got me 30 stitches and 4 bites) had either a respected film company (IFC Midnight) or a big favorite (Dina Meyer). But hey,you gotta take a chance right,right?

 

 

American Horror House looks pretty solid….written by Mr. Sharknado himself,Mr. Anthony C. Ferrante,produced by Ferrante and Griff Furst,both regulars of making those cheap Saturday Night creature features for the SyFy Channel. Lucky for us this isn’t……oh boy,American Horror House IS a SyFy Channel original movie??? This could be my last review if this is as awful as  “#Horror” and  “AmeriGEDDON”.

American Horror House opens with a cleaning woman entering a house,she hears a little girl singing “Itsy-Bitsy-Spider”. She climbs the stairs and enters bedroom only to back out screaming,a little girl has murdered her parents in cold blood.
Flash forward to the present and we see a young woman run,run and run some more over the opening credits. She gets to her sorority house and is yelled at for being late and not helping the others girls get the house ready for the big Halloween party. It is at the party that any new pledges will be accepted into the house.
The landlady of of house also warns the late girl,Tish,to be careful running as she doesn’t want to fall and “break your pretty little neck”.
Tish apologizes for being late to Ms. Pena and starts her music lesson. Ms. Pena tells her to play from the heart and suddenly what appears to be a ghost pops up and hits a violin string causing it to break and cutting Tish. Ms. Pena tells her to rebow her violin….but as Tish stands in the music room,all the strings pop loose and look to be cutting Tish. Ms. Pena walks in and while looking on,twists her violin which causes Tish to die rather gruesomely….
So I hear a low growl and I know the cheetah is looking at me with “man,I mean,REALLY” look in his eyes.  And since you are as well,my fine readers,let’s cut to the chase,shall we?

Morgan Fairchild plays Rosemary,the little girl who killed her parents the beginning of the movie. She is released from the looney bin about 40 years later and goes back home where she kills herself and becomes a vengeful ghost. But she appears to everyone as a real person,she kills a realtor and takes her name. She then advertises the house out to local college where she schemes to kill everyone who comes to live in the house. As soon as anyone is killed,they become a killing ghost just as fast as Ty Burrell becomes a zombie in the Dawn of the Dead remake.
Four pledges to the sorority house fight to escape the clutches of Rosemary led by the spunky Daria. Will they make it out alive? The real question is should be “How are you still alive after making the cheetah watch this”?
Why am I writing about this really bad movie? Because its October and this movie is so scary bad,it made sense to actually write about it. I just didn’t expect it to be THIS bad….
Morgan does a fine job as the spooky head ghost and there are some really good practical special effects here on display by Hailey Authement. But what kills this movie is the worst acting I have seen this year. The cast,outside of Fairchild,was garbage. No one sticks out,no one really tries. The script,well did I mention that Ferrante wrote “Sharknado”?

American Horror House would be rated PG-13 and has a run time of 87 looooong and painful minutes.  Since this was a made for TV movie,there are no special features of note.

What has been your WORST movie that you have seen this year? Drop a comment below.
 

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