It’s 11:54 pm
Last week the topic of German director Uwe Boll came up between two fellow film buff, noted cartoon expert Eric Hyde and the master of everything Asylum Films,Bobby LePire. Eric was on Uwe’s side in saying his films were enjoyable and he liked the first “House of the Dead” where as Bobby (and believe us,we were FLOORED) called Boll a hack and couldn’t direct his way out of a wet paper bag with a hole in it and a flashlight.
I just let it causally known I liked “Alone in the Dark” and actually saw it in a theater…
As I was watching the flurry of fun happen on my screen,the cheetah came up the basement where we have our movies and he was carrying one in his mouth. Now that was unusual because picking a title out is a more of a science then that.
But when he dropped our one Uwe Boll movie we have in our “To Be Watched” pile…it was like Fate was talking to us. We had to watch “In the Name of the King 2: Two Worlds”.
Okay,we watched it and I honest to God don’t know how to write what I saw,the plot is that all over the place. What we’ll talk about is what we liked and disliked about the movie because believe it or not,there were some very good moments here if you are open to looking for them.
The plot basically has Granger (Dolph Lundgren) being transported from the world today back into a medieval world. It is there that a King (Lochlyn Munro) says Granger is “The Chosen One” (while the king’s guard Allard keeps beating on Granger) that can help save the kingdom.
Granger is shown to his room where a comely wench is waiting for him to “keep him warm” while the king’s doctor, Manhatten (Natassia Malthe) patches him up and she isn’t too friendly to Granger.
The wench tries kill Granger who is warned in his sleep of the attempt. He ends up killing the girl by accident which gets him brought back to the king again. The king explains that Granger must kill a woman they call “Holy Mother” who is behind all the evil. Granger of course confused as hell but agrees to the mission,he attempts to go back to sleep when an hour later he rousted AGAIN by Allard and the mission begins. Granger,Allard,the doctor and 16 hand picked men are the force being sent to kill the evil villainess.
The Holy Mother in turn sends Thane and a force to meet Granger but not to kill him but bring him back alive.
After a long ride,Granger and his group get off their horses for a rest at the same exact spot that Thane is waiting (!!) But Thane isn’t there to save Granger but to kill him! The battle ensues and Granger and Allard save each other’s lives,they win the day but at the cost of their horses and half their men. Granger and Allard know they have been betrayed by the king because who else would know where they would be stopping and only have a 20 man force waiting for them?
A second attack comes and Allard and his men sacrifice themselves to give Granger and the doctor time to escape. They get away but the doctor hurts her foot,she can travel so Granger leaves her alone in the forest and says if he isn’t back in two days,to return to the king. Who as we finally see,is the real evil doer as he murders his Seer and is fixing a potion for some…….all crap,I can’t do this one.
This movie is pure shit. Normally I would heap scorn and ridicule on the screenwriter for such a steaming pile of catpoo except its well known that Uwe Boll pretty much takes control of any script and tinkers with it beyond reason. So we have to blame Boll for the complete inane,clueless script that makes no bloody sense at all.
The budget for this film is listed at 4.5 million dollars….yet it looks cheaper then a typical episode of the old Hercules TV show or a SyFy creature feature flick. The King’s “fortress” is so badly constructed and small,it looks like it could maybe 30 people and it shows. The extremely small amount of extras to make up the “armies” just makes this film look like a student film more then a release that 20th Century Fox put their name on.
Speaking of the armies….why does Holy Mother’s troops dress and act like damn ninjas??? We’re supposed to be Europe,but who knows much less cares at this point but yet there they are,ninjas!!
The King summons a soldier,tells him to assemble the King’s Guard….then proceeds to ride ALONE towards the enemy. And when we see the that elite formation,they are on foot and look like the guys that got killed earlier but just dressed in different burlap sacks.
The acting….this is where the film’s only good thing comes to bear. Dolph Lundgren does his credible best with the shit he has been given. His Granger is soul tired and it shows the longer the movie goes on,while his dialogue isn’t very good,he plays it straight and doesn’t ham it up. He knows that he is over his head and if he could just get a night’s sleep,he might have time to make sense of what is happening. (Dolph,I had a night’s sleep and I still don’t know what is going on).
One of my favorite character actors and a old friend in our reviews,Lochlyn Munro,chews up the scenery with aplomb here. He is having a blast despite the very cold filming conditions. Not afraid of wearing a very bad hairpiece (!!) he looks more like a Ren Faire king then one who is the “rightful ruler”. And how did he end up being called Raven???? I admit,I was hoping for a bit of cheese from Lochlyn and he doesn’t let us down!
But the actor who stole this movie,despite how shitty it is,who worked really hard and his effort has to be commended and noted is a actor I had never seen before in a featured role. That would be Aleks Paunovic,who played Allard,the King’s main guard.
Aleks plays Allard as a man with honor and a sense of loyalty who,despite being very tough on Granger,knows in heart that his king is not the right man to follow. We know that his heart is true when he saves Granger’s life not once but twice and sacrificing his own for a complete stranger. Paunovic also plays it straight to bone,no humor or cute one-liners and that has to noted here if only to file his name away in the future. He has over 115 credits to his name,I hope this little film sparked his getting bigger roles.
I see that Lisa Ovies has him in the upcoming horror-comedy Puppet Killer and I’ll be sure to see how Aleks does in that one!!
So won the tussle over how bad Uwe Boll is? Is he a hack director who one hopes will retire as he has said is or is he a misunderstood talent who never got the 100 million dollar budget movie to make his name with? As far as this movie goes,Bobby…..this round goes to you.
In the Name of the King 2:Two Worlds is rated “R” and has a run time of 96 minutes.
The Special Features are impressive with both a director’s commentary and a writer’s commentary.
You can buy this film at just about any Goodwill or Salvation Army store near you.
Or you can try the 20th Century Fox website.
I gave this film a thumbs down while the cheetah tossed a furball on it.
Are you a Uwe Boll fan? Or not so much? Drop us a comment below.