Its 9:55 pm
Paladin was still grumpy at me after I fell asleep and he had to review “Darkness Rising”. I promised I would make it up to him by selecting “Fire Twister” starring one of our favorite actors,Casper Van Dien. I mean,what better way to pass away a chilly night then with a movie about a tornado of fire??
Former Los Angeles firefighter Scott Nylander (Van Dien) and three friends on a eco-awareness group are going to put a banner on a huge oil tank of Synco to raise awareness of global warning. As the group approaches their target,Scott sees a man and a woman down the hill looking at them. He shrugs them off and the small group goes to raise their banner.
But as they do so,Scott spots a bomb and the group sprints away to take cover. The bomb explodes and a Fire Twister is born….
So I take a side glance at the cheetah and he is just staring at me…….hard.
As Scott and his group look up,the fire tornado seems to have sensed them and starts coming right at them,Scott and his little band take shelter in a sewer drain as several hundred degree raging fire twister sits right outside and fire comes inside the drain.
The twister comes on as our heroes come out unscathed and start heading to their car when that couple that Scott saw earlier start shooting (rather badly) at them….
The cheetah just shakes his head and heads into the basement and I hear him making a lot of noise.
Meanwhile Scott and his pals run into Anthony who just happens to work at Synco and also knows why there is a fire twister,the Group of 5 then start chasing the tornado which causing all sort of damage to Los Angeles. The group is driving towards to tornado when it suddenly pops up outta the clear blue sky…..no,I’m serious,it does!! Ask Casper yourself!! His twitter is @CasperVanDien and tell him the cheetah sent you!
Anyways,the gang gets trapped in a subdivision so Scott has them leave the car and run 20 yards and lie down while the Fire Twister picks up their car and tosses it while nary a hair is touched on Scott’s group!! The man is fireproof!!! If only Josh Brolin had had Scott as a Hot Shot firefighter…..
The twister slides between two houses and being such a nice tornado,doesn’t do any damage. Scott and his his band of merry men (and women) then rescue a woman out of a tree.
The lady is so thankful she gives them her car so they can proceed to try and stop that dastardly tornado…but then that pesky couple along with two more Asylum extras show and surround Scott and open fire…and they all MISS!!! Scott and his escapes while the merc’s leader (there are almost ALWAYS mercs in these movies) V proceeds to murder a cell phone.
The cheetah has found our first crazy nature movie,the mighty “Seattle Superstorm” and dragged up the basement…..this is not a good sign….
Anyways,the gang is back following the tornado and Anthony says that the tornado is drawn to heat sources,Scott is confused as we watch the tornado destroy a nuclear plant…”if the tornado is attracted by heat,why isn’t it heading towards Washington DC where the largest gathering of hot airbags exist in the country”? Tony is baffled so much by this question that he decides hatch a plan to save the world by loading a car with 10 five gallons cans of gas and then blowing himself up thus stopping the tornado. Shockingly,this doesn’t work!!!
Oh and it turns out that Jason,a member of the little group is a spy for V and get killed but who cares….but things get VERY interesting when V calls Synco’s head honcho and its none other then long thought dead Norman Tuttle!!!
Seems like Tuttle,now calling himself Mitch,has turned into a corporate raider since leaving Team Night Hawk. He and V hatch a plan to smear’s Scott’s good name by calling him and his pals eco-terrorists and Public Enemy Number Two (the tornado is number one still).
Scott has one last ace to play and he calls up his old captain and asks him to donate a 500,000.00 dollar pumper and fill it with 1,000 gallons of fuel AND also some C-4 that the Los Angeles Fire Department has lying around…..but will be it enough to stop this massive Fire Twister? I don’t know either as the cheetah grabbed the remote and ran away with it before I could find out…..
Okay,so “Fire Twister” is pretty damn awful…but unlike “Darkness Rising”,it KNOWS its a pile of catpoo. And that is both good and bad. Good because this is a movie you can get a bunch of friends to watch with you and just laugh at how cheesy it is. The effects are grade above finger painting,the plot isn’t enough to sustain a comic strip in a newspaper and yeah,it was rather cool to see a 80s staple again in Joe Regalbuto.
But what I find bad is once again Casper is stuck in another really low budget straight to video piece of poop and he deserves so much better then this. Not saying he isn’t above doing low budget indies……but this is pretty scraping the bottom of the barrel. Twister is so bad that not even the SyFy Channel would air it. While I was laughing my ass off at how terrible the effects were,I wondered just how hard it was for someone like Casper to get up in the morning knowing he was filming this turkey. As a fan of Casper,I think he deserves to do movies like the upcoming creature feature “The Meg”. He is a good actor and knows his way around creature feature flicks but to have to do shit like “Fire Twister” is painful to watch as a fan.
“Fire Twister” is rated PG and has a run time of 86 minutes. The only special feature is the trailer.
The cheetah hacked up another furball and I gave this a thumbs down as well.
Casper deserves better…..