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Have Cheetah,Will View #212 – “Bonejangles” (2017)

Its 8:29 pm

I have been friends on social media with actress Elissa Dowling for many years now.
Elissa is a much in demand indie horror scream queen and has well over 100 film credits to her name. In the time I have known her via social media,I had yet to see a single film of hers. The one film that I could have gotten at my local video store is one I addressed here.

Just as I despairing of ever seeing her work,I managed to get a glimpse of her as she was fighting off Angel,Hell’s Kitty. Sadly not only did Elissa “die” in the movie but if you blinked,you would have missed her.
I guess Rob from Wild Eye Releasing must have felt for me because he sent a film in which Elissa was one of the leads and that is how the cheetah and I ended up watching the indie horror comedy “Bonejangles”.

Bonejangles is about an unstoppable supernatural serial killer (<—- Jason’s cousin???) who has killed between anywhere from 4 to 100 people. The police chief explains this to his motley police force while also telling them that since nothing can kill Bonejangles,they’re much going to die terrible deaths.

But ol Boney has a weakness and that is electricity and after most of the cops do get killed,Bonejangles is captured by a tough cop named Lisa. Bonehead is then bundled up and taken to Argento City (<— horror film reference!).
Meanwhile on the very same day they are moving Bonejangles,a zombie outbreak is happening because of a curse put on the town by the lovely Rowena (Elissa!!!!) who was burned at the stake for being a witch and a succubus yet is somehow still alive.

The big plan is to pit Jason against Freddy and,opps,wrong film…..pit Bonejangles against Rowena in a winner take all clash of titans. Bonejangles is already thinking ahead as he has killed several campers (<—–horror film reference!!!) and has headed into town to grab a couple of machetes (<—– another Freddy reference? best film EVAH!!!).
Rowena gets her strength from virgins and is shown doing just that. It is here that we broke down in tears for Elissa,we thought film sets were supposed to be safe but director Brett DeJager showed her having sex with Bigfoot!! That bastard!!! Anyways,Bonejangles kills Lisa who got paid extra for going topless (<—– just like the 80s horror films!!!).
Since sex makes Bonejangles a mere mortal,Rowena attempts to sex him up but gets a machete for her troubles. The zombies return home and Bonejangles decides to become a cop,replacing Lisa on the force. The end……or is it?????
Where to even begin with this movie? The best part is Elissa,definitely the high point as Rowena and she looks amazing. It was watching two different movies,when she was onscreen,awesomesauce….when she wasn’t,well….
The problem was while director DeJager wanted this to be played for laughs,it just wasn’t funny. Be it the film references to Evil Dead: Army of Darkness to Friday the 13th to having characters named after famous horror directors (psssst,that has been done to death several times over).to the over the top black gay cop,we just didn’t laugh. We did however replay all the scenes with Ms. Dowling and yelled “Looooooooo”!! every time she came on (<——“inside” joke).

The pacing was terrible,the acting was beyond bad and how do you waste using Phantasm’s Reggie Bannister as Bonejangles dad??? Ugh!!! The positives are the practical effects are solid and there is enough gore for most gorehounds out there looking for a gory movie to watch. And Hannah Richter,who played Lisa, will become quite popular….

Bonejangles is rated “R” for violence,nudity and has a run time of 78 minutes.
You can get a copy of Bonejangles at the Wild Eye website.

The cheetah and I gave this one a thumbs/”pffffft” down. But we love you Elissa!!! (<—- fanboy love reference!). Since we couldn’t find a picture of Elissa from the film….here you go:
(photo used with permission by Elissa Dowling)
Elissa and her two rescue pigeons.


One thought on “Have Cheetah,Will View #212 – “Bonejangles” (2017)

  1. Pingback: United Nations | The Inner Circle

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