It’s 11:02 pm
The cheetah woke me up with a tail strike across my face this morning. As I lay there wondering if I could get CTE from a cheetah’s tail,he gave me another which had me rolling out of the bed. I knew he was upset at me because of the last movie we watched.
I did tell him that Jay thought our review was pretty funny and to make it up with him,he could pick out the next movie!
I had high hopes he was going to bring up “Throwdown In Manilla” or maybe even “Wolf Warrior 2” but when he brought up “The Lost Tree” from the recent 1.00 sale at Family Video,I said “Let’s do this!” and fired it up. With a cast that features Claire Kramer,Thomas Ian Nicholas and Lacey Chabert,this should be fun….
Noah (Nicholas) is a a man on the way up,married to his beautiful wife Emma (Kramer) and he has just gotten a big promotion at work. He shares the news with Emma and they make plans to meet for dinner to celebrate.
Noah gets back to his office and his co-worker Jenna (Chabert) starts to flirt with Noah. Noah responds a little too heavily and misses Jenna’s look of warning to him,he turns and sees his wife standing there,Emma has heard everything and she is devastated. She throws her wedding ring at Noah and leaves. Noah grabs the ring and rushes after Emma…but in her haste,she has been hit by a car and killed.
Wracked with guilt,Noah decides to get out of the city and rents a cabin where he can try to come to grips with what has happened to his once perfect life.
He finds what he thinks is the perfect place and arranges to meet realtor Alan (Scott Grimes) to look at the cabin. Alan is in a hurry and just passes over the keys to Noah. He says the lake behind the cabin is great for swimming and fishing and assures Noah he’ll love it. He says the cabin is furnished as the former owners just left,taking little.
Almost as soon as Noah gets there,he starts hearing and seeing weird things. He explores the house,which is pretty big. Noah makes contact with his father (Michael Madsen) whose relationship hasn’t been the best. His father encourages Noah to stay in touch and to send him some pictures. It’s clear he loves his son and is worried.
The first night Noah hears noises and chases them through the house. He also finds a closet with a small spider problem.
Noah then starts thinking he sees and hears Emma in the house,he gets outside for some fresh air and heads to the lake which he finds bone dry,Alan hasn’t been to the actual property in a while. Noah continues to explore and walks up to a huge tree (which isn’t lost) and has a crow chirp at him. Noah makes a crack at the crow and notices a carved symbol but before he can look at it more closely,he is chased off by a flock of crows….Noah’s life and those close to him are about to be turned upside down….
Did we like “The Lost Tree”? Hell no…..this was just brutal to watch. I mean,where do I even start with telling you how much we hated this movie. First and foremost,it had the WORST score I have ever heard,the music was garbage,jarring,unfocused,misplayed in key scenes….the score by Nathaniel Levisay just crushed whatever small hope of “The Lost Tree” had of making sense.
This was writer/director Brian Metcalf’s first feature film but unlike other first time directors who plunge in head first without any experience at all,Metcalf had made several short films. So he has no excuse for making such a shitty and terrible film.
His story made ZERO sense,it was terribly written and just like the last film we watched,he tries to combine too many ideas into the story and just leaves everyone confused. There is such little character building,we don’t know ANY of these people and yet we’re being asked to invest in their lives. Plot holes galore (the cardinal sin in destroying any movie) litter the landscape. Nothing is even remotely explained at any point.
The production values are trash,even for a low budget film. The office where Noah works at looks like a hotel. The apartment(!) where Noah and Emma live at looks like the crew asked for a empty one and just shot the scenes there,it didn’t looked lived in at all.
A normally good group of actors seemed either bored or disjointed. Kramer gets completely shafted as her Emma is done at 4 minutes into the movie!! She gets a couple of flashback scenes but otherwise is completely wasted. But she looks lovely in her short screen time…..
Chabert’s Jenna is a cardboard figure with no depth or emotions. Madsen phones in his 2 scenes and Nicholas,who I have always liked watching,also seems bored and isn’t convincing at all as a man who should have been driving away at the first sign of weirdness.
We’re really disappointed by “The Lost Tree” and felt bad for the actors involved (even Madsen) who deserved a lot better then this pile of cheetahpoo.
“The Lost Tree” is unrated but should be rated “PG-13”. It has a run time of 90 minutes and includes a “Making Of….” featurette.
The cheetah and I gave “The Lost Tree” a map and a compass and directed it to a better movie.
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