blogging / cancer / chronic illness / grief / Life / Lori / Writing

Weddings and Funerals

It’s 9:12 pm

Weddings and funerals. Two places that since Lori has passed,I have avoided the best that I could. In the five plus years,I have been to three funerals and no weddings. I have had my invites and my chances to pay my respects but its not simple as that.
Two former co-workers have lost their sons,one took his life and the other had his taken by a drunk driver. I went to the first service and lasted 15 minutes before I had to leave.
The day of the second funeral,my stomached knotted up so hard,I thought I was going be sick and I ended up staying home.
But my dad’s funeral….I blitzed through that without shedding a tear. My dad death’s was a lonely one but also a painless one….and he had lived 75 years on the planet. He had a good run. The sadness I felt was because of the way he was reduced to living,going broke and heading into becoming a hoarder,now that was sad to me.
I have avoided going to my old store because simply put,I was afraid. I was afraid of seeing my co-worker because while I can relate somewhat to the depth of his and his wife’s pain…I just couldn’t handle seeing it again in person. The sheer helplessness of watching their heart’s breaking and splintering,knowing there wasn’t a goddamn thing you can do but weep. I assure you,I did cry quite a bit for Darin and his family.
But I stayed completely away,I had a card all written and ready to mail off but I once found myself frozen.
Now I am doing major yard work for first time since Lori passed away,the weeds and shrubs have really taken hold and I am having to replace rock,dirt and mulch as well as weed the entire area. I have made 3 trips to my old store and each time I find myself wanting to go and see my old co-worker but I get stressed and bail out. That is until today…I drove down to his side of the store and went inside. He was just getting off work and we went outside and talked. I apologized but he said he understood,its been slightly over a year and he can’t do funerals either now. I said as it got later and later,I didn’t want  to come down because I didn’t want him to have to talk about it again. He said sleeping is rough (I still am popping 9 mg of melatonin every night) and that he and his wife can’t do anymore memorials as well.
It was pretty emotional because he was working at the store and knew about Lori. We said a few words and then I let him go home and I did the same.
I worked in the front yard and I know I’ll have to mow my grass tomorrow.
I am glad he understood……and I am even more sad that he understood.

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