Its 12:34 pm
I asked the cheetah if he would like to do another Top List on 2018 for the blog and he ran over quick. He was pretty excited until he saw the list of movies I had put down,he just stared at me and I saw his tail start to fluff out so I knew he was a bit upset.
Yep,it is that time of the year when folks are listing their favorite films and while we have already done that,we so feel duty bound to list ten films that made us barf,toss up furballs,catfight over the remote control and lock each other out of the house for making the other one actually sit through two hours of pure catpoo.
This is going to be a bit profane so if seeing a cheetah drop a few bad words is offensive,well remember,we’re trying to save you from some seriously terrible films.
One more thing,just as with our Top 20 best films,the films selected are based on what the cheetah and I watched this year,regardless of the year it was released.
1. A Ghost Story
Where to even begin with this turd? Director David Lowery must have felt he had the lottery and got to make his own private film for one. This was a empty,pointless,hollow piece of shit that made zero sense to anyone except for David Lowery. Hey Davey,that is what home movies were created for….home!! Not for wasting our time or insulting your audience. By far the worst thing we watched this year.
2. The Oh in Ohio
Once upon a time Parker Posey used to be the queen of quirky indie movies. Then someone decided that hey,what if we put her in a silly rom-com with Danny DeVito as a woman who has never had a orgasm? The lines will be around the corner and the cash registers will overflow,we’ll be bigger then “Titanic”!!
The only thing this movie has in common with Titanic is the fact the ship stayed afloat longer then this unfunny movie did at the box office.
3. Cops and Robbers
This one had us super excited,Michael Jai White,Rampage Jackson and the awesome Victoria Pratt. Holy shit,this was going to be awesome…and it was!!! Awesome waste of time. Now that takes some special kind of hack writer and director to not only waste a talented cast like this but then to make them seem like they had never acted before as well? Or introduce Pratt’s character as a key element in the first 10 minutes and then making her seem like the most clueless movie cop since Tom Berenger in “Cops and Robbers”….yep,ol Tom got rooked into this cowflop of a movie as well. Inane script,action scenes that need a road map and GPS to follow and clever plot twists that never happen.
Al Simmons needs to put this one out of its misery.
4. The Lost Tree
The tree that got lost,it was the lucky one in this movie – at least it had more direction then this mess. There is a common theme in our picks for the worst films,its when a talented cast gets blindsided,misled,miscast and is left without a script that makes a lick of sense. You sit in vain watching a movie like this just hoping the cast can somehow overcome these hurdles and end up with a good movie. Instead we get this,a movie that needed to be lost before it got released.
5. West To Hell
Poor Tony Todd…..one of the iconic horror actors in history really never got the star treatment he deserved. He was amazing in “Candyman” and downright chilling as Death in the “Final Destination” franchise,he even got to pop up in Michael Bay’s “The Rock” as a ruthless soldier turned mercenary but for 93% of his career,he has been asked to carry the weight of bad,cheap and endless indie horror films. Its because his name is on the cover that people will blind buy a film they have never heard of.
I was one of those folks who bought West To Hell based on Tony’s name and while I am poking fun at this list,watching “West To Hell” was painful because Tony Todd deserved so much better then being forced to take shitty parts in shitty movies like this one.
Supercon is the perfect title for this tossed up furball…..Supercon to the producers who conned the money people who put up the cash. Supercon the various agents and managers who had their clients do this horrible mess. Supercon to the people who supposedly “wrote” a script for this movie,I have seen more indepth scripts in a Bloom County Sunday comic. Supercon is what happens to the public who actually spent money is renting or worse,actually BOUGHT this crap. (Why is the cheetah looking at me that way??)
Okay…..other then “13 Going On 30”,name a movie that Jennifer Garner has not only used properly but has been good as well. Butter is simply the worst thing she has ever done and has the honor of being the first movie where Garner is completely unlikable.
The rest of the movie follows her lead….phew!!
8. Darkness Rising
I get a lot of flack from my fellow movie buffs because I swear by IFC and IFC Midnight releases. But those of you who remember my bottom 10 last year will note I had a IFC Midnight movie as the worst film of 2017. And now we have another one,in a year where we saw many first time directors making excellent and compelling debuts,Austin Reading decided he would get his career off in a “no where else to go but up” with this stinky haunted house story. What is a bummer is one of the cheetah and my favorite young actresses,Katrina Lawgets caught up in the stinker. If the movie had matched Law’s effort,we might have been listing this on our Top 20 list.
9. 4:44 Last Day on Earth
And we know get an IFC release from 2011 that I thought was going to ruin our BluRay. In watching this made for one person and that person being the director Abel Ferrara,the bland,boring and self centered end of the world film is one where you actually stand up and cheer when it happens because no one in this disaster is anyone you actually will want to know much less care about.
10. Pootie Tang
So the cheetah and I learned a lesson…..you can’t throw out copies of Pootie Tang in the trash,its considered to a bio hazard and has to specially handled by trained crews.
Words escape me in telling just how bad Pootie Tang is,this may be because the cheetah has seen the DVD cover and is trying to choke me.
All in all however,I saw FAR more great movies then bottom 10 poop. Where as I could have done a Top 40 great films,only 17 movies that Paladin and I watched deserved the “Seattle Superstorm” treatment. With 2019 coming up rapidly we are hoping to keep the quality entertainment rolling on!
So which films of 2018 just had you reaching for the remote or the barf bag…..we want to know so we can skip them!!!