This is what I posted on 7 May 13. Looking back….I can see I was really fucked up,I think I was running around like a chicken who doesn’t know he is dead yet. Lori and I knew she was dying and yet I just didn’t grasp what that really meant,something I have no problem with today. Today I do understand that I’m dead and have been running on impulse and instinct the past six years. I write here because it truly is one of the few things that keeps me alive and not joining Lori. Oh yes,I still have enough meds to kill a infantry squad and I still have bad enough days to consider it. I miss Lori Ann so very much and I still see her doing so many things- like laying in my arms,cooking,working in the yard,date nights,family meetings,driving up to see her folks,watching her sleep as I drove us home from Gettysburg,cutting coupons,going to Block’s Nursery in Taylor,hosting my dad,wedding hands…..oh my God,the wedding hands…..
As I write and read what I wrote,I know she only had two more weeks and they were the worst two weeks of our lives. I think I was in shock ever since I found out she was dying a few weeks before. Looking at all the plans I had made….no sane adjusted person would have made these plans,would they?
I will say this,her life was a victorious one….she lived it until she couldn’t and maybe if I had been a little wiser and a better husband,Lori would be here be with me today.
I showed a friend the very spot I asked my neighbor Al after Lori’s first incident “What if she has cancer?” I think about that a lot more these past couple of years. I know many of you have heard me express this before but it NEVER stops ringing in my head. I get so angry at the doctors she had in the past before we met and rage against the damage they caused her,the mistrust and dislike generated because of thoughtless words and deeds.
Maybe this year will be different,maybe this year I will regain enough of myself to actually get out of my own valley of darkness,to try and take some steps forward…its sound good but never really goes anywhere.
Yeah,maybe this year will be different.
Its 7:01 pm
Been a long day here….Lori is still in the hospital and is getting ready for one more surgery. The team is going to put in a vent in her side to allow her bowel to drain more freely. Its a risky surgery but given what we are facing,what do we have to lose? We’re just hoping for a quick recovery time so she can come home.
I didn’t go to the hospital today because I had so much to do here today,paid bills,decluttered like mad and Howard Burkeen brought his crew over to paint the bathroom and build two wheelchair ramps for us.
Today marks the one year anniversary of Amy Neilson passing away. Those who have followed our journey know how much I have written about her and how much she helped me deal with Lori’s cancer.
Last night,I connected with her husband,Don,on the phone last night and we chatted for 3 hours about everything connected to this ordeal.
I am so thankful that I was able to talk about my fears about the last days…Don gave me several pieces of good advice and I am taking them to heart….when Lori and I talked this morning we both agreed that we are going to do the surgery,we want a last fun filled,friends and family filled,activities when we can filled summer.
No gloom and doom….just to live what life we have left to the max….and if we get to the Fall,so much the better!
Some things we are hoping to do….
Plant some flowers
Attend a concert
BBQ with her co-workers
Soak up some sun
Have me walk a 5k in June
Have her family come over
Walk around the block
Christmas Tree Shoppe run
Finish the latest Dan Brown book
Meet my nephew Brayden
So I’m going to really push extra hard and ask each reader to help send Lori cards this summer….I want our mailbox full every day,small bundles of sunshine that she can open and enjoy. Feel free to post our address in your church,your volunteer groups,neighbors,whoever. I want her to know how loved she is and how her life has been such a victorious one.
Spent time with hospice today arranging to have Lori’s hospital bed ready to be delivered when she is ready to come home.
And as I mentioned,I also had some help getting the upstairs bathroom painted along with a hole in the den and also two wheelchair ramps. Howard Burkeen,who installed the bathroom lights in our lower bathroom,is one of the nicest contractors you would ever hope to meet.He knows our situation and insisted that we only pay for a worker and materials despite my insistence that he charge us his regular price. He refused and headed out to get the paint that we needed for the project.
Add to this kindness….a dear reader from Florida,Heidi,wrote how she was moved by Lori’s will to live and wanted to do something to help. The kind person sent a very generous gift that is going to cover the making of the two ramps. This is the 2nd person who has donated money to us and we are very humbled.
And very grateful as well. Lori has asked me to work the bare minimal at my job,enough to qualify me for insurance when she gets dropped in August,she wants me to be close to her this summer…this has really left me in a true quandry,I want to do that as well…but just how feasible is it? We still have many bills to pay and that ambulance run is going to cost a pretty penny. Not complaining,just stating fact. Ambulance runs are rarely covered by insurance and that is anyone,anywhere. I want to be smart about this…I don’t want to deal with this illness and go into debt as well…
And to my two co-workers who are reading this…..not going to happen.
I’m sure we’ll figure something out that will be smart and allow me to spend time with Lori.
Called Lori to say “good-night” and she sounded very talkative but very tired. I’m hoping they are giving her something to help her sleep. She mentioned that Dr. Johnston sat with her for an hour while she talked about plans for the summer. Before Dr. J left,she upgraded Lori’s “diet” to include popsicles. Pretty cool if you ask us!
Derek Jeter is starting to look for Ginger now,he hadn’t really before but I heard him meowing last night and pop his head into her favorite sleeping area. When I popped the can to Fancy Feast,he headed into the small bathroom because that where I had to put him while I fed Ginger. He thought she was getting fed and was getting a head start to the bathroom. He looked at me and meowed when I called him back and placed the plate in front him. He seemed a little confused…
Our little dove is still sitting on her/his eggs,the trellis is suddenly going all green and the bird is slowing fading into the greenery.
Don’t forget to check out my newest interview with novelist Jan Romes,we still have three free books to giveaway! Sort of fun to see folks from Russia come by to check her interview. Going to start work on my new “8 Questions with….” tomorrow night with a very talented local artist. Might even be a freebie there as well! Stay tuned!
Anyone been watching “Person of Interest” this season? Its my favorite show on TV and I feel its the freshest,most complex shows I have watched. Just digging the blazes out of the writing the second half of the season…and if Amy Acker isn’t one of the more under rated actresses working today. Her sweet demeanor as Root sends shivers down a spine because she is also crazy as hell as well. And I’m not entirely sure if she is really a bad guy or not as the people she has zapped have all deserved it….
On the music front,I see my old friend Ken Helwig has a brand new band,The Emptys”,ready to roll out their debut show this summer. Maybe if he reads this,he’ll send his old friend a demo CD so I can check his new tunes. Just a thought…..
I guess that its for now…thanks for reading!