Have Cheetah,Will View #382 – “Mississippi River Sharks” (2017)

Its THX 11:38 pm
dark

It was actually a beautiful cloudy,chilly Fall day here in SE Michigan. I got a tip that a sale was happening at my video store store with 1.00 movies being had so being the big deal hunter that I am,I went to Westland and picked up a few. Came home,looked at my haul and turned around to the cheetah and said “Paladin,its time for another bad shark movie”!!
Thanks to Mill Creek Entertainment,we got a whole slew of bad shark movies PLUS we have reinforcements coming in soon!! But you’ll have to come back for that a little later.
For now,let’s head down south and see whats biting…….

The film opens up with a young woman meeting someone from a dating site on a riverboat. The dude she is meeting isn’t in to her and he ends up outside flirting with a passenger,she walks out and sees this. The guy walks up and he starts to tell the woman that isn’t a connection,the man is suddenly attacked by a really,really bad CGI bull shark that was flipped aboard by the paddles on the boat…..

Meanwhile in some small town upriver,we meet our heroes for this bad shark movie.
First we meet Tara (Cassie Steele) who decided to drop out of school to take over her dad Ray’s hardware shop. Pops wants a lot more for his daughter because “she is as bright as anyone anywhere”. Then there Eric (Tahj Vaughans) who has always liked Tara but has been too shy to say anything to her and his best pal Wyatt (Dean West) who drives the local tow truck.
The town is hosting a huge catfish fishing tournament and the man who owns most of the town,Big Bill (Marco St. John) is worried that his big celebrity for the event,actor Jason London,is running late and its costing money. As Big Bill is fretting,the bull sharks reach the town and start slowly picking off the towns people starting with a older lady who is painting by the shore.
Meanwhile Jason London has finally made his way into the event and we find out he is the star of the “Shark Bite” franchise. Wyatt is a huge fan of both London and the series (except for the third one,NEVER the third one) and huge (okay,a group) of fans are there to meet him.

We see the various fishermen up and down the river and as Ray is driving to the festivities,he sees a man being attacked by a shark,he pulls over to help but its too late both for the dude and you if you have watched this movie this far like we did.
The usual “sharks in the water”cliche is used and a shark is even caught by Wyatt’s tow truck (he was rigged for catching catfish the Catfish Buchanan way). Jason London attempts to kill the hanging shark but is knocked on his ass so Tara kills it.
All looks well until we see more really,really bad CGI fins in the water and we are in for an exciting,err,explosive,err,as you already know whats going to happen…..

Phewwwwww!! What a stinker….this horror-comedy is no “Ghost Shark” that is for sure!!
But despite it being the perfect definition of what a bad shark movie is:

1. Its on the SyFy Channel
2. really,really bad CGI
3. One or two faded D-list “stars”
4. Enough wooden acting to build a house with

“Mississippi River Sharks” has a tiny bit going for it and that starts with Jason London who is playing a (I hope) a puffed up version of himself here. He looked like he was having some fun and the subtle dropping of other bad shark movies he has done (and yes,some of those are coming here) was pretty funny. In this “Shark Bait” collection of films,all seven movies in the collection were directed by Grif Furst or Misty Talley and Talley is the one who directed this one.

I read in another review about how hard it would be for a director to get stuck making the same damn movie in the same damn way and I thought it was a valid point. While this is a very bad shark movie,I gotta say trying to blend in some humor wasn’t a bad idea but the fact you’re making bad shark movie is all the humor you needed.
The rest of the acting is pretty awful for Dean West,his Wyatt,was the best character after London and he at least tried to have fun. The rest of the cast? Well,the cheetah sleeping on his blanket showed more range then the rest of the cast- guess they didn’t see the humor of this film….

“Mississippi River Sharks” is 90 minutes long and I do mean looooooog. Its a made for TV movie so everyone can go “What is this shit you’re watching?”.
There are no special features which is a real shame because I would LOVE to get one for a bad shark movie,wouldn’t you?

We hope you like this series and please feel free to suggest a bad shark movie that the cheetah and I should watch in the comment section.