Distance

It’s 1:41 am
insomnia

As many of you may know,I lost my mom recently and its been a little rougher then I thought it would be. My brother Phil has been left to settle her affairs and I have been left to try and settle my feelings for as well. It wasn’t until I talked to my sister Rose on the phone this week that I realized that I had only seen my mom twice in 34 years when I made two trips to Bremerton.
I never really thought about that until I was talking with Rose….then I thought about the same thing with my father,I lived in San Jose for 14 years and only saw him twice before I moved to Michigan. Where as my mom lived ived in Washington,my dad lived maybe about 90 miles north of me in Vallejo. I made one trip with my friend Michelle to see him and he made one trip down to San Jose to see me.
I didn’t drive at the time and my work hours made it hard for me to breakway but there plenty of times we could have met up. I always invited my dad to come down and see a San Jose State game with me,he knew I am a much bigger college fan then the NFL….a trait he would soon agree with as he grew tired of the antics and overpriced players. It used to frost me a bit that he would watch the 49ers play in Santa Clara with his friend Coke but wouldn’t ever make the extra 12 miles south to watch a SJSU game and hang out with me for a day. He also never invited me to watch the game which I would have done if asked but a ticket to SJSU was 10.00 back then with 5.00 parking where as the 49ers tickets and parking were way over 100.00 per ticket if not more.
I have been asked if I ever thought about making a road trip to see them and on surface I would have had no problem taking Lori to see my dad,in hindsight I’m so glad I didn’t. I covered that in my blog post about when my dad passed,in short,my dad was on his way to becoming a hoarder,when my sister Christine and I came to clean his house,we were shocked at how bad it had gotten. He had lost the backyard shed and kitchen,it wasn’t as nearly bad as a full on hoarder – yet- but well on its way. In another year or so,it would have been over.
As for my visiting my mom,well,that would have been impossible as well and I covered those reasons as well.
Do I have regrets about my relationships with my parents- not at all. I think its because of the distance that I was able to have a relationship at all. I am cherishing the fact I have a strong relationship with my two sisters and my brother. But in those relationships,the stain of my parents have stained and damaged us so very deeply. I have nephews that I have never talked to or had any contact with and I have zero clues on how to even start. They don’t know me at all as I have never talked to either of my sister’s sons and barely spoken with Brayden who is Phil’s son. Coming up and saying “I’m your uncle” after 20-25 years isn’t going to mean anything to them especially when they haven’t even heard my voice.
These are among the many reasons why I have felt zero emotion toward my mother other then being sad that Phil is taking the load in settling her affairs. This post was originally going to be about something compkletely different but lo,here I am writing another post about my parents. It just happened after that reflection came out while talking to Rose.  I know other then my 4 very loyal friends who support me on my blog,no one will read this or they’ll get a couple of paragraphs into it before going to read my Ouija Shark review (man,have I pounded that Ouija Shark angle to death or what?).
No,this post is like the various ones I wrote when Lori Ann was sick,I wrote these to decompress and destress myself,I have had these feelings starting to overwhelm me a little and it was high time to open the bottle and let all these words go somewhere.
And with that being said……..I’m done with this post.

Thanks for reading…..

5 thoughts on “Distance

  1. No outlet can lead to depression. You have an outlet to write and vent here. I say continue to take it, use it for all it’s worth. I do the same with a vitural writing meet up that is about empowerment more than writing. The host presents soul searching questions that we answer to ourselves or share with the group.

    We meet ever so often, reminding ourselves of the things we are grateful for, and the things we find hard to do. Check it out one day. Lauren would love to have you stop by.

    Writing For Your Soul

    Harrison, NJ
    463 Members

    Writing For Your Soul is an inspiration-filled writing group that will allow you to connect with other positive people and share your love for writing.These workshops are mea…

    Check out this Meetup Group →

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m sorry that your relationships with your parents were not what they could have been. I was lucky to have one parent interested in me. I haven’t had any contact with my father for almost thirty years now and don’t regret it. I like that your heart goes out to Phil and I’ll have to read about Ouija Shark at some point.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Its is sort of weird,the longer between the contact,the less you come to care. I reached out to my mom so many ways but she never once reached back….when I realized just exactly how long it had been since she and I were in the same room together….I really was surprised.

      Like

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