Have Cheetah,Will View #196 – “The Jurassic Dead” (2017)

It’s 7:56 pm

I came downstairs to make some coffee and feed the cheetah,as I was prepping the coffee pot,the cheetah came into the kitchen holding a DVD in his jaws. I sort had a feeling with movie he had picked for us to watch and I was right,he had picked out “The Jurassic Dead” aka “Z-Rex” aka “Zombiesaurus”. I dunno why but I had a bad feeling about this one.  Wild Eye Releasing had pleasantly surprised us with “House of Salem”,would “The Jurassic Dead” continue the winning streak?

After all,our very first review was also about crazy dinosaurs and that didn’t turn out so bad so the cheetah and I sat down with high hopes.

I don’t even know where to start with this. I truly don’t. It’s about a mad scientist who has developed a toxic gas that will re-animate the dead and he has brought back a T-Rex.
If you get killed by the T-Rex,you’ll come back a zombie. To counter this threat,5 mercenaries are sent to the mad scientist’s “secret military” bunker deep in the desert.
They pass by a car full of college age students and one of the mercs first points a gun at the kids,then tosses out a spittoon of chewing tobacco juice on their windshield.
As this is happening,two huge meteorites (no,I ain’t joking) hit the earth and cause a massive EMP which don’t make a sound when they hit but do make a huge flash of light that no one notices. The teen’s car dies but yet the mercs,who have just passed them on the road are still driving. Better yet,a CGI Blackhawk copter who there for the support,is also unaffected yet blows up when it lands.

By this time,the cheetah is staring me but I am staring back…..”You picked this out,dude”.
The kids grab their backpacks and instead of staying on the road and backtracking the way they just came,decide to hike across the desert. Paladin and I both looked at each other,we know that isn’t a wise idea!!
But in an amazing miracle,the kids find the “secret military” bunker deep in the desert.
And LOOK!!! The door has been open as well,pretty cool of the mad scientist to have done that! But it seems our crack commandos have sneaked in first and are poking around the bunker. The mad scientist is shown wearing some sort mask and cape (No Capes!!!) and listening to some kickin’ old vinyl records.

The kids find some barrels with what looks to be arabic writing on them. As they examine them,a green gas is coming from some pipes. The kids are ready however and they have the proper gear ready to keep that nasty gas from hurting them,they cover their faces with their hands! This brilliant move saves them as they slowly back away.
The commandos have no such luck and the one wearing the red shirt gets killed first and comes back a zombie!! (eeeeek!). The leader of the commandos,who looks like a Brian Bosworth clone,shoots his now zombie pal and then the two groups stumble into each other,before the commandos can say “Those meddling kids and their dog”,the mad scientist pops up in a hologram and monologues about having known about the meteor strikes that will leave America in darkness for quite a while.

Then the Z-Rex aka Zombiesaurus aka Uraby aka dinosaur makes it appearance. One of the commandos,Duke or was it Bennett,stands up and proceeds to go Tyson on the dino.
Before P.E.T.A. can respond,the dino falls sideways and spits out teeth.
The group then tries to escape but as in any creature feature movie,you need victims and so we have several of the group being chomped,reanimated and then shot down.
Three survivors burst of the “secret military” bunker only to find out they have been sent back into Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines as they see various nuclear weapons rising up and heading towards targets. The mad scientist is ordering from White Castle and still ramblin’ on while the three jump into Humvee and head back….(but wait dude,wasn’t there a EMP?) and they’re now ZOMBIES!!!

So yeah,we now have our worse film of 2018 so far. But as in most of our reviews,we do like to point out some positives about films we don’t always like. Believe or not,there are a couple of cool things…..like the dinosaur that is used. While some of the movement is CGI,co-directors Milko Davis and Thomas Martwick did use a practical model as well and it actually looked somewhat wicked. It was nice to see a old fashioned “guy in a suit” practical effect.

The other positive thing is that everyone here looked to be having some fun,there isn’t a single “serious” moment here and that is okay. You look at movies like this as a on the job training school. Rookie actors eager to get a credit and experience under their belts.
The film crew itself are probably pretty rookies as well and putting their all into the project. The one person who doesn’t get a “Get out jail” card is screenwriter Michele Pacitto,his script is catpoo. Just because you have a small budget doesn’t mean you have write garbage scripts. If he had put some effort into writing a script that made a lick of sense,instead of a crappy movie,you could have made a so bad,its good type of movie. His non-script basically betrayed everyone’s effort here and that just sucks.

“The Jurassic Dead” is rated “R” and has a listed run time of 82 minutes. No special features except for some upcoming or current Wild Eye Releases.

Since the Z-Rex aka Zombiesaurus aka The Jurassic Dead is well,dead,the cheetah buried it in the “Seattle Superstorm” burial ground.

Next time I am picking out the movie and this “Raiders of the Lost Shark” looks pretty darn cool……..