Have Cheetah,Will View #377 – “The VelociPastor” (2018)

Its 3:49 pm
sunny

I love Wild Eye Releasing,I seriously do….because they put out some of the most interesting and crazy ass movies out there. The crazy thing is you never know what you’re going to get in terms of quality.
The cheetah and I get goody boxes from Wild Eye from time to time. Normally I like to be surprised by what they send us and that is a lot of fun. But for “The VelociPastor”,we banged on the door,emailed them 759 times and called the office 489 times asking for a copy to review. It wasn’t until the cheetah sent in a couple of shedded claws to Wild Eye that we got our copy and we are so happy we did. I had heard so many great things about this movie and I wanted to see what all the hype was all about. The cheetah and I grabbed snacks and Dr. Pepper and away we went……

Father Doug Jones (Greg Cohan) works at small Catholic Church along with his mentor Father Stewart in a midwestern town.  Dog seems to be having a good life….
But after watching his parents get killed right before his eyes,Father Jones questions his very faith  as well as God. He is lost until Father Stewart(Daniel Steere) tells him to go the one place where God isn’t,if he finds God,then hopefully it will restore his faith.
Father Jones then travels to China and as he is walking in a wooded forest,we see a young woman running from some ninjas (I know but it works),they are chasing her as she has something they want.

But as fast as she is,she can’t outrun a ninja arrow and is shot in the back and rolls down the hill where Father Jones is,he attempts to help her but she presses something into his hands,telling him “you must destroy this” before dying. He sees its a huge tooth.
When the ninjas surround him and want the tooth,Father Jones is cut on his hand……
Back in the USA,Doug is feeling different somehow,something has changed in him and he feels HUNGRY as he heads out to clear his head.

In a park we meet Carol( Alyssa Kempinski),a local hooker who is working for Freddie the Mermaid,a cold blooded pimp. He tells Carol he wants some money made tonight (insert Priest Youngblood voice here) which is why Carol is in the park. Suddenly a man accosts Carol and just as it appears to get bad,a velociraptor pops up and rips apart the thug….

The next morning Doug wakes up in bed with Carol and she tells him that he saved her life but he can’t remember anything. Carol takes him to where she hid the mangled remains. She then convinces Doug to use his new powers for good and rid city of the scum in it.
This leads him into a confrontation with Freddie the Mermaid who reveals a secret that triggers Doug’s change within the church itself.
Father Stewart is very concerned for Doug and takes him to a self-styled exorcist named Altair. Altair’s attempts to exorcise what is in Doug only triggers the velociraptor within and he seemingly kills Father Stewart. Has Doug gone over to the dark side? Has he lost control of his inner dinosaur? Will we learn how ninjas got into China? And how did Carol learn to fight like that? Who is that crazy laughing ninja? Will we see a sequel to “The VelociPastor”? No,seriously,how did Carol learn to fight like that????

This movie is AWESOME!! I loved every minute of it…..”The VelociPastor” is what every movie wants to be and so rarely happens and that is to entertain its audience. Writer-director Brendan Steere was made a instant classic film here. He is the type of filmmaker that has not only watched every monster movie made but knows the lines by heart.
Everyone in his cast as well as his crew know exactly what type of movie they are making and they throw themselves head first into their roles and duties.
No budget for a huge explosion? Not a problem for Steere,simply superimpose wording “special vfx here” over the scene and move on.

Steere commented at a NYC viewing that where some films will have a relative of a big star have a small role,he flipped the script and hired only three professional actors in Cohan,Kempinski and Aurelio Voltaire who played Altair the exorcist. I was pretty suprised to find out that Brendan’s dad played Father Stewart and he was really good!!
He may have had the weirdest moment when he flashes back to his war days and how he met Altair for the first time….its funny as hell. The acting is spot on for a movie like this,Cohan looks like a priest,Kempinski looks like a hooker and the ninjas look like they came from a bad Fat Seagal movie. In other words,perfect casting…..

Now here is the kicker…..as I’m watching a human turn into a VelociPastor and fight ninjas,I was thinking,”This would be a great legitimate movie and one I would pay money to see”. It has the same crazy original freshness that “CarousHELL” had with that super fun possessed Duke the Unicorn. “The VelociPastor” left me wanting more and rumor has it that a sequel indeed is on the drawing board,thank the Lord!!

The VelociPastor has a run time of 75 minutes and is packed with special features including a commentary track and a gag reel. While its unrated,I would consider this film as rated “R”. You need to dash over to the website of Wild Eye Releasing and buy your copy today!!!

The “VelociPastor” is one of the most fun films the cheetah and I have watched and gave it two thumbs/4 paws and a tail up.

bring on the sequel!!!

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