For Judy and Wayne.

Its 8:52 pm
dark/T-storms

I don’t really cut loose on here and really haven’t in a long time. I shared Lori and my story and then how I struggle each day. I figured no one really wants to read that and so I started writing film reviews and doing interviews. Light fluffy stuff and I have a lot of fun  writing it.
The last couple of weeks have been rough…a lot of ugly family history is rearing its head and its been filling me up with a lot of toxic poison. Lies,secrets and self-destruction seems to be my family’s calling card. I shared some of this when I wrote about meeting my sister Rose on 20 May 19.
Rose has turned out to be amazing…on so many levels. She and I are kndred sprits on so many topics and have so many common interests,its rather freaky to think about it.
My brother Phillip and sister Christine have also bonded with Rose with Christine and Phil both getting to meet her already,she and I will meet sometime early in 2020 if everything works out.
I feel sorry for Rose,here you find out you have this strange unknown family out there,you get excited at the chance to meet who knows who and maybe have this great Hollywood ending only to end up with a broken down clown car that is my family. Earlier this year I watched “Three Indentical Strangers” and where as most see that movie has sad and moving,when comparing it to where we have come form,its a goddamn comedy….with a laugh track.
You would think that upon meeting a sister you never knew existed for over 55 years,you love for a happy family reunion but instead you know that your first duty as a responsible sibling is to reach out and tell your new sister just how fucked up of a mess we grew up.  Finding out that your birth mother and father never told any of their other kids about you would be a good first sign that there was trouble ahead.
Now here is the weird and funny thing…..it wasn’t the FIRST secret dear old mom and pop held near and dear to their hearts. No,that would be telling us kids that our then older brother (and resident thief and swindler) Wayne was a bastard. My mom shagged some Russian mechant marine sailor and had Wayne. And since I know he now reads this….guess what? Both James and Judy told us this news years ago and keep up the family tradition,asked Christine and I to keep it a secret. And we did just that. After we gave you the paperwork stating you are not James’s son and telling you how we knew,you decided to believe our lying mother. I’ll be honest,I did feel for you Wayne,I really did. I saw the hurt and betrayal on your face and even offered to do a DNA test to settle this in your head. When we parted,I had a slight hope that you were going to surprise everyone and repay the victim of a very cruel swindle and just maybe start to show you had started to change like you kept telling me the week we spent together.
Did I believe you? Fuck no, because you have always been a taker and a thief just like our dear old mother,its just part of who you are. But for your sake,I had hoped just for a few minutes that you prove me wrong this one time.
But now here the both of you are already lying about this to Rose. In fact,its the very FIRST thing the both of you came at her with….that the bastard wasn’t a bastard. Not “hello” or “I can’t believe this is happening” or “I fucked up in never telling anyone about you” (and yeah,James,you may be dead but this still falls on you as well)….no,your very first statement is all about YOU and only you. Just par for the course,right? I mean,you know about taking care of you,don’t you Judy and Wayne?
Do you how awesome it is finding out you have a sister and the FIRST thing you think of is how to shield her from a pair of toxic waste dumps that you know all too well? Not a tearful family reunion,not a drop everything and fly out on the first thing smoking (well okay,the second because I ain’t flying Spirit for nobody!). No,it is telling the woman who is looking for her birth mother that you really don’t want to find out whats down that road….so much so that you’re willing to walk away to show just how much pain and destruction that woman has done to all of our lives. I know what it has done to mine and my two siblings and I don’t want any of that for Rose.
But my older sister is sharp and smart,she listened to us all and when you two came at her,she was ready.  She endured a 45 minute  “chat” with you Judy…..where you spent the WHOLE time blaming others and defending yourself and never asked Rose one single question about herself. Not a SINGLE question…..and thats even counting the fact you called her after she asked you to wait while she figured out how to approach this…she asked for space and you just had to come in like a bull in a china shop and violate her boundaries. Classic Judy…..but I’m glad you did it because you proved everything we told Rose was the truth and she saw it now instead of later and was able to take the right steps in handling you.
Now the bastard,well….he is the real threat,isn’t he? I know the both of you have been burning up the phone lines because he took a different tactic. He decided to send his 26 year old simple minded “girl friend” in first and asking if Rose wanted to meet your nine year old daughter and if she wanted any pictures of James,just to let Wayne know. All sugar and honey….asking Rose questions about herself and trying to be engaging. You even told her “you had made mistakes” knowing full well she would have already have known about them. But the part that just makes me laugh is still you tried to make it seem like things are okay with Christine,Phil and myself. “I love my brothers and sister” ….that you had a good relationship with us all. You ran out Samantha like a pimp showing off a hooker and didn’t acknowlege the three kids you abandoned and the shit storm you made out of their lives. You have no relationship with them nor their kids.
I can’t wait for Samantha to become aware of that she has no relatives and asks you why that is. Oh to be a fly on that wall…..you have destroyed every relationship you have come into contact with,even Judy hasn’t done that though not for the lack of trying,mind you.
But here is the straight dope…we know all about you and your tricks. Rose asked me why you were coming at her so hard with all this contact so sudden. Its because Judy is really the last family you have left,once she is gone,which she told Rose will be Christmas-boy talk about the pathetic attempt to guilt someone into talking with you,you’re going to be all on your own. You have managed to burn,blow up and destroy every bridge you had with all of your kids and with us as well.  And yet,you want to play “victim”. You are definitely Judy’s son in that respect.
Every time you have been given a chance to do the right thing,you have dropped the ball…..be it your kids,us,the people you stole from,the women you swindled from and you just didn’t care about them.
I can tell you this half-brother mine,you really missed out. Your daughter Jo,she is fucking amazing. She is smart,beautiful,sassy,compassionate,a quick learner and her boys are doing great things. She is a great nurse,has found a nice guy and while she still bears the deep scars of her upbringing of which you decided to abandon them rather then paying child support. I know what you said at James’s house about Debbie’s family not liking you,that was no reason to chuck your parental rights away and leave her adrift with three kids. You chose that path and your kids suffered greatly and still do in many ways.
I’m pissed as well because of your actions,I will never get to know Amanda and Jimmy. Neither will Christine or Rose,they see us as complete strangers and who can blame them? How can we ever tell them because you tossed being parent away like James and Judy did,that we never even had a chance to know them and its only by the grace of God and Phil that I was able to connect with Jo.
Secrets. Always with the damn secrets.

James and Judy loved their secrets. They held on to them like they were lifejackets.
When James told Christine about Wayne and then later on when both James and Judy told me,I think they were looking for a reaction. I think they were looking for a reaction but quite honestly we already knew. And we weren’t surprised as Wayne looks nothing like my dad while Rose and I do.
While I have been sharing my feelings about those two,I’m going to post this as well despite all three of my siblings knowing this.
I don’t totally blame my mother for this mess and while that may come as a shock to you Judy,I actually blame James more so because where as you had no relationship with Christine and the very thin strand with me until Lori got sick,James doesn’t get that because he did have one with us. James had many,many,many times to tell us about Rose and Patrick but he held on to his secret. I can’t even begin to fathom how he could have justified this even to himself. He had to know that after he shared the truth about Wayne,he could have trusted us enough with telling us about Rose.
He tested out a trial balloon and when he saw we handled it calmly,he should have told us. My dad visited me three times after Lori and I moved into our house and three times he could have shared and ASKED for help in finding her. I can assure you,if either one had come to us and asked for help on any level,we would have. But James stayed silent and being how they both loved secrets,well they both lost out on meeting their daughter.
As for Patrick,wow,I mean there was zero reason for that as well….to keep that from us all made no sense at all. But I got a laugh from you Judy….how you “guided us kids” in selling James house and were there for us. Just being such a good mom and all. Enough so that you decided to have the bastard of all people go and visit Patrick’s gravesite.
Instead of telling Christine and myself,you decided to stay all petty and spiteful and tell Wayne to go.  At least you stayed true to your character and no one can accuse you of misleading anyone.
Since I now know the two of you are reading this,I wanted to give both something to really enjoy.  And just for the record- no,I don’t hate either one of you in regards to your actions to me,I’m a big boy,I have walked through places you can’t even imagine and you’re barely a blip on my radar. But in the ways you have treated others,yeah,I do indeed hate you both for that….you have caused a lot of good people some terrible pain and suffering and I can’t forgive you for that. You have both made your beds and now they are all yours and yours alone.

So,do you still like my writing??

5 thoughts on “For Judy and Wayne.

  1. So much goes on in the family dynamic. I can’t imagine anyone really gets to escape drama entirely, but you have obviously had more than your fair share. At least Rose has come into your life. It’s something good to focus on.

    There are three trains of thought where adoption is concerned: telling the child early, telling the child later (as a teen) and never telling them at all.

    I knew from the very beginning that I was adopted, and both consciously and subconsciously, I had to wrestle with that for years: feeling *lucky* and happy to have a family and feeling *not good enough* and abandoned by the biologicals.

    But I do think I would have completely freaked out if my parents had NEVER told me or waited until I was a teenager. I definitely would have felt like I’d been lied to and part of my life was a completely lie. So I understand your anger completely. But the accumulation of many other events and situations with your family also probably added to that anger being more than it would have been if nothing else had happened.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. “So,do you still like my writing??”

    Michael, of course we do. The real world is not a Pollyanna-ish society. Every family has issues whether they be big or small. I would be mad too If a relative waited that long to enter into a family member’s life. Mainly because one would have wanted them to enter much sooner – especially If they prove to be as loving as you have implied. Anyway, keep up the great work as always 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks John…..just had that bottled up and I just had to cut loose a little bit….I found out that both of them had been reading my blog so I wanted to give them something to really read about. It felt great!

      Liked by 1 person

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